Consultant Speak

If I thought I would improve my vocabulary, grammar and all around speaking capabilities as a Corporate Vagabond, I thought wrong.

The English language is expanding by leaps and bounds thanks to my fellow consultanty colleagues. And perhaps not for the better. It's a curious thing how corporate language develops. Who decides to create phrases that describe something oh so perfectly in a nonsensical manner?

So far I'm resisting...resisting the metaphors, the words, the grammar -- Everything! But we'll see how long until I say things like:

- "We have to compare apples to apples" (why not oranges, watermelons? puppies?)

- "I will have more bandwidth on Friday, let's meet then" (Do I look like an wireless internet connection? Oh if I were only that cool).

- "I'll be out of pocket all next week" (I'll I want to know is what does being 'in pocket' entail?)

- "To your point" (To my point what? What is the point of my point?)

- "As you were speaking to in our last meeting" (I was speaking to you and you and you. That's WHO I was speaking to)

- "I need you to create a deck by Monday" (This deck is not made out of wood and extends off the back of your house, if you needed clarification).

And today there was something about a right hand speaking to the left hand. I'm going to leave that one alone.